Monday, October 28, 2013

Letting Go

Once again after moving as fast as I can, I have bought a business and ended one in eight months. 
I've been reading up a whole lot on stress and I am always interested in doing things that make me feel a whole lot better. My self diagnosis this month, after running on 110% with my engine revved in high gear for years, is that I am dealing with 'adrenal exhaustion'. I couldn't do anymore and felt the need to LET GO of everything outside of my family and home.  It is time to rebuild slowly and to consider acting OPPOSITE of how I feel.

I don't need to go to the doctor for this one as she's already telling me what I intuitively know.  I am opting for the spiritual and holistic approach to healing this ailment.  It is so refreshing to have this approach given as an option from an MD, yet that's what makes Dr. Northrup such a refreshing read.

I have had an extremely high stress load in the last decade and it's finally caught up to me I am ready to make significant changes. I've run from the pain of loosing my mom, getting divorced, loosing my dad six months later, my mother-in-law 3 weeks later, my uncle the following year and a year later suddenly loosing my dear younger sister to a brain aneurysm.  Multiple moves, marriage (good stress), having two beautiful babies (good stress), having my brother deported, almost loosing my eldest brother a month after my sister died, my only aunt leaving to move away to Scotland; major job changes, retraining into new career, buying a business and ending a business.  A lifetime of loss in a decade, yet being from such strong Irish stock you just get on with it.  As my mom would say, 'too bad, so sad, that's life' and we'd chuckle.  I've been moving so fast so as to not have to feel any of the emotions.  The last time I slowed down I fell into post-partum depression and really who has time for that so I started moving fast again, working-out, running, training, planning my life.  People used to say, 'Wow how do you do it all?" What I didn't understand is that maybe what they meant to say was slow down, don't do so much.  I honestly didn't know any other way and who in the world was going to do it all if I didn't?  I should have had a clue that the fear of doing yoga meant I feared slowing down.  Whatever would become of me if I slowed down?   

Today I know there is no way through processing stressful events but directly through them.  I cannot run away or stay in denial.  Past experience has shown me that our body knows how to slow us down when it's under great stress. In 2000, when my mom was facing amputation of her first leg,  I contracted shingles and my doctor asked if I would now consider a month of rest.  I have a choice to take action today and slow down before that or something worse happens.  So I can race after what I think is best for me or I can slow down and let wellness and opportunities come to me, while I'm busy taking care of me and my family.

I must be honest and tell you that slowing down goes 100% against my natural urge to race out and make it happen. You see I've always thought that slowing down would mean I'd miss opportunities, I would fall behind, go broke or loose it all.  A little dramatic or black and white but that' s me and how I often think.   I do get red flags or intuitive signs on whether to go this way or that way but I only see them if and only if I get quiet and listen.  If I want something really bad I speed up again and miss the signs.  The message this month given to me by multiple teachers; is to BE STILL and it fills me with terror!  I can't figure out why other than it is the unknown.  For me the wonderful saying BE STILL AND KNOW I AM GOD comes to mind and it sounds like a peaceful and wonderful thought- FOR you! 

Today though that is my meditation, BE STILL.  I'm handing over my wellness, career and my life, I am done.  I am excited to see what is planned because my planning hasn't resulted in the best things for my health and my family.  I've trained others to wellness, started them on the path, cheered and encouraged them and then sat down on the sideline exhausted, disillusioned and wanting cookies.  My good friend Elaine has warned me after I told her of a great job opportunity I recently saw, to not get on the 'next bus' as I might miss the 'right bus'.  I'm moving slowly into a very exciting chapter of my life, I have no idea what it looks like but I'm excited nonetheless, the suspense is almost too much to bear but I promise myself I will sit on my hands and let it happen.